Charlie, I think there's a whole robot in there!

Real Steel

(2011)

One of the stars is for the robot slugfests that are the real attraction here. They're well-staged and dramatically involving. Unfortunately the main plot thread (absent father Hugh Jackman connects with son Dakota Goyo) is appalling mush, compounded by the most annoyingly precocious performance from a child actor in living memory. God knows what Goyo's parents must be like to have raised such a pestilent, cocky little brat. The script encourages the idea that he is some kind of prodigy and gives him the "mature" role in respect of loser Jackman. Utterly abhorrent, gagworthy guff.

Jackman's okay, but he's usually better than his material, and Evangeline Lilly looks cute (and is far more sympathetic than she ever was in Lost). I got the distinct whiff of some kind of subtext promoting the awesomeness of blue collar America overcoming those invasive Nips and Russkies (it can't be a coincidence that the team in charge of the robot that Atom - our heroes' robot - is up against are Japanese and Russian).

I'm rather glad that this didn't do as well as expected since there's a calculated mimicry of the first Rocky in setting up a sequel (the film is equal parts Over the Top, however). The most interesting aspect of the plot - that Atom may be, on some level sentient - is left dangling there, so only the rock 'em, sock 'em robot action remains to enjoy.

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Who’s got the Figgy Port?

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Here’s Bloody Justice for you.

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Damn prairie dog burrow!

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Why don't we go on a picnic, up the hill?

Invaders from Mars (1986) (SPOILERS) One can wax thematical over the number of remakes of ’50s movies in the ’80s – and ’50s SF movies in particular – and of how they represent ever-present Cold War and nuclear threats, and steadily increasing social and familial paranoias and disintegrating values. Really, though, it’s mostly down to the nostalgia of filmmakers for whom such pictures were formative influences (and studios hoping to make an easy buck on a library property). Tobe Hooper’s version of nostalgia, however, is not so readily discernible as a John Carpenter or a David Cronenberg (not that Cronenberg could foment such vibes, any more than a trip to the dental hygienist). Because his directorial qualities are not so readily discernible. Tobe Hooper movies tend to be a bit shit. Which makes it unsurprising that Invaders from Mars is a bit shit.

I’m just glad Will Smith isn’t alive to see this.

The Tomorrow War (2021) (SPOILERS). Not so much tomorrow as yesterday. There’s a strong sense of déjà vu watching The Tomorrow War , so doggedly derivative is it of every time-travel/alien war/apocalyptic sci-fi movie of the past forty years. Not helping it stand out from the pack are doughy lead Chris Pratt, damned to look forever on the beefy side no matter how ripped he is and lacking the chops or gravitas for straight roles, and debut live-action director Chris McKay, who manages to deliver the goods in a serviceably anonymous fashion.

You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012) The final finale of the Twilight saga, in which pig-boy Jacob tells Bella that, “No, it's not like that at all!” after she accuses him of being a paedo. But then she comes around to his viewpoint, doubtless displaying the kind of denial many parents did who let their kids spend time with Jimmy Savile or Gary Glitter during the ‘70s. It's lucky little Renesmee will be an adult by the age of seven, right? Right... Jacob even jokes that he should start calling Edward, “Dad”. And all the while they smile and smile.

I'm offering you a half-share in the universe.

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I hate natural causes!

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Call me crazy, but I don’t see America coming out in droves to see you puke.

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What's a movie star need a rocket for anyway?

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Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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