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Keep that away from me!


The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I
(2011)

What an extraordinarily strange piece of work (and shit) this is. The first half of the Bill Condon-directed final chapter(s) of the series that fanboys seem to get overly upset by (whether its due to how successful it is, that it has appropriated identifiers from the horror genre, that it represents shallow teenage moping for the benefit teenage girls or women, or just that it's really really insipid) is all dead weight.

The first half is the dullest hour of film I've endured in a long while. Bella and Edward get married, honeymoon in Brazil (these vampires are very light-resistant) and mope about unrequitedly to a best-selling soundtrack while a rather laboured analogy to domestic abuse is played out (Edward just can't rein himself in in the sack). There are about two minutes in this act that threatened to become interesting; a flashback to Edward's dabblings in predatory behaviour, at a screening of Bride of Frankenstein (well, it is Bill Condon).

SPOILERS (like you give care, it's Twilight) And then, the second half. A frankly bizarre plotline that it would be hard to imagine in any mainstream movie that doesn't have a pre-sold cultish army of followers. Bella experiences an accelerated pregnancy, with some highly convincing effects/make-up work to show the emaciated Kristin Stewart having the life sucked out of her by her growing progeny. While Edward and Jacob stand by pouting indecisively. And because the whole series is so melodramatic and soapy, this drawn-out wallowing in her deteriorating state seems all the more twisted. And that's even without mentioning Jacob "imprinting" on the baby, or Edward ripping open Bella's womb with his pointy teeth. In some ways it comes across like a sanitised David Cronenberg movie, but in a way it’s even more messed up because the body horror is revealed through the anodyne, lethargic romance.

Also, I can't not mention the thesping skills Taylor Lautner, who succeeds resolutely in showing that he has as much range as a cornflakes box.

**

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