I'm just a simple man, trying to make my way in the universe.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

(2002)

Things that are worthwhile about Attack of the Clones; the backbone of the political machinations of Palpatine in his rise to power are well-conceived and McDiarmid plays his dual roles with gravitas sorely lacking elsewhere. The Obi-Wan plotline, pursuing Jango Fett to Kamino and beyond, gives the story more shape and purpose than it ever had in The Phantom Menace. Christopher Lee's Count Dooku (-ula) is a welcome presence, even if his role suffers from Lee playing too many bad guys in too little time (with this and Saruman). Natalie Portman gets as close as the prequels will to a metal bikini with her exposed midriff. The sonic detonators that Fett tries to kill Obi-Wan with are a thrilling sound effect (possibly an inspiration for the "big" sonic booms in so many movies of late). Helping things along greatly is that the film is well-paced, also unlike The Phantom Menace.

Things that don't work: Hayden Christensen plays a petulant brat completely adequately, but is that really all Lucas had in mind for the guy who became Vader? Anakin's romance with Padme is at best anodyne, at worst toe-curlingly horrid in its dialogue and staging (who can forget the ride on the CG beastie in the meadow?)

I'm fairly on-board with the first two-thirds of the film, but once the action settles on Geonosis it becomes a distracting CGI overload; from the daft conveyor belt sequence in the factory, to the arena (there's a couple of good spots there, mainly involving the Fetts), to the lost-the-plot-video-game-as-movie attack of the clone troopers (where Lucas doesn't use any guys in costumes really obviously, for no logical reason other than that that he can - see also Tuskan Raiders). And while parts of the showdown with Dooku are enjoyable, I'm not sold on CGI Yoda and his Speedy Gonzalez fighting skills.

I'm not really buying Samuel L Jackson either; a Jedi who looks and sounds permanently angry, and comes out with lines like "Party's over" is a strange fit for the emotionally sterile world that Lucas has created.

***

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I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but, we are good at multiplying.

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Heaven’s Prisoners (1996) (SPOILERS) At the time, it seemed Alec Baldwin was struggling desperately to find suitable star vehicles, and the public were having none of it. Such that, come 1997, he was playing second fiddle to Anthony Hopkins and Bruce Willis, and in no time at all had segued to the beefy supporting player we now know so well from numerous indistinguishable roles. That, and inane SNL appearances. But there was a window, post- being replaced by Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan, when he still had sufficient cachet to secure a series of bids for bona fide leading man status. Heaven’s Prisoners is the final such and probably the most interesting, even if it’s somewhat hobbled by having too much, rather than too little, story.

Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody loves a tax inspector. They’re beyond the pale!

Too Many Crooks (1959) (SPOILERS) The sixth of seven collaborations between producer-director Mario Zampi and writer Michael Pertwee, Too Many Crooks scores with a premise later utilised to big box-office effect in Ruthless People (1986). A gang of inept thieves kidnap the wife of absolute cad and bounder Billy Gordon (Terry-Thomas). Unfortunately for them, Gordon, being an absolute cad and bounder, sees it as a golden opportunity, rather enjoying his extra-marital carry ons and keeping all his cash from her, so he refuses to pay up. At which point Lucy Gordon (Brenda De Banzie) takes charge of the criminal crew and turns the tables.

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The Brotherhood of the Bell (1970) (SPOILERS) No, not Joseph P Farrell’s book about the Nazi secret weapons project, but rather a first-rate TV movie in the secret-society ilk of later flicks The Skulls and The Star Chamber . Only less flashy and more cogent. Glenn Ford’s professor discovers the club he joined 22 years earlier is altogether more hardcore than he could have ever imagined – not some student lark – when they call on the services he pledged. David Karp’s adaptation of his novel, The Brotherhood of the Bell is so smart in its twists and turns of plausible deniability, you’d almost believe he had insider knowledge.

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Without Remorse (2021) (SPOILERS) Without Remorse is an apt description of the unapologetic manner in which Amazon/Paramount have perpetrated this crime upon any audiences foolish enough to think there was any juice left in the Tom Clancy engine. There certainly shouldn’t have been, not after every attempt was made to run it dry in The Sum of All Our Fears and then the stupidly titled Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit . A solo movie of sometime Ryan chum John Clark’s exploits has been mooted awhile now, and two more inimitable incarnations were previously encountered in the forms of Willem Dafoe and Liev Schreiber. Like Chris Pine in Shadow Recruit , however, diminishing returns find Michael B Jordan receiving the short straw and lead one to the conclusion that, if Jordan is indeed a “star”, he’s having a hell of a job proving it.

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They wanted me back for a reason. I need to find out why.

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Maybe back in the days of the pioneers a man could go his own way, but today you got to play ball.

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To our glorious defeat.

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Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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