The Mummy Returns
(2001)
And this time they’ve brought their kid!
Somehow, my previous encounter with this movie (at the cinema) did not leave an
indelible memory of the smart-talking, trash-mouth brat in Stephen Sommers
atrocious sequel. That might be because the main impact was borne by the deluge
of hyperactive CGI, often of indefensibly poor quality.
The first film is passable in an
empty-headed, frenetic way. But the sequel takes everything about it that was
borderline annoying and ups it to relentlessly abusive levels. It’s a
wearisome, tension-free experience, in which the residing ethos is “the more
special effects there are, the better the resulting film must be”. Of which,
they start off looking crudely “epic” (computer-generated vistas set in
pharoaic times) but by the third act nothing passes muster. It’s a wonder that
they considered of release standard, but anyone who has seen a Stephen Sommers
film knows that he has inverse quality control.
The plot this time, dreamed up yet again by
the creatively-challenged auteur, finds Rick (Brendan Fraser) and Evelyn
(Rachel Weisz) with an eight-year-old genius son (Freddie Boath, who plays
Alex, is miraculously still working) who irritates from his first scene. Few
directors have a good understanding of how to portray kids in adventure movies
(Spielberg is a notable exception), and this is just further confirmation.
Think Last Action Hero levels of smug
preciousness and you’ll be close. Directors seem to be under the illusion that
kids like to see kids on screen. They don’t. They want to see Indiana Jones,
and failing that Rick O’Connell. But definitely not their children.
Sommers was open about Universal demanding
a sequel the day after the 1999 film opened to unexpectedly vast returns, but
he clearly didn’t have a clue about what to do with it. Imhotep is unearthed,
so is his bint. But this time he is required to defeat the fearsome Scorpion
King and assume control of his army. Otherwise the Scorpion King will take over
the Earth much as Arnold Vosloo threatened to do first time out.
The Scorpion King is introduced in the
prologue played by a wrestler taking his first tentative steps into the acting
arena. He’ll do pretty well for himself, all told, but this is a stinky
introduction (the prequel film is a better prospect). When he returns in the
climax, as one of the crummiest CGI creations you’ve seen in a blockbuster
movie, you’ll have given up all hope for his career.
Borrowing one of the worst tricks in George
Lucas’ storybook-for-beginners, Sommers retcons his main characters as
possessing manifest destinies intertwined with Egypt. So Rick suddenly has a
scorpion tattoo on his arm while Evelyn has become clairvoyant and aware of a
past life in the time of Imhotep. Oh, and the boy is of crucial importance.
This is desperately feeble stuff, with Sommers even resort to a girl-on-girl
catfight at the climax.
There is no weight to the CGI, or the
drama. Where there were torrents of scuttling beetles, now there are waves of
scorpions (must be the same computer programme). And waves with faces. And
pigmies and airships. It’s all quite exhaustingly poor. Alan Silvestri
furnishes the film with a truly lousy score, the sort of blandly generic fare
you’d find in a ‘70s family adventure movie. If there were any thrills or
tensions to be found in the movie, the composer studiously avoids them.
None of the actors come out of this with
honours. Hannah and Fraser manage to keep their heads above water while
spouting Sommers’ tiresomely anachronistic gags. Weisz is stranded with some
frightful action chick posturing. Lost’s
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is at least allowed to show an active distaste for
young Alex, so I guess he’s something of an audience surrogate.
*1/2
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