You were all magnificent, better than I could have ever imagined.

Trapped Ashes

(2006)

Reasonably dire anthology horror bringing together an eclectic mix of directors (Joe Dante, Sean S Cunningham, Monte Hellman, Ken Russell and, er, visual effects guy John Gaeta) to service a ropey screenplay from Dennis Bartok.

This was the last feature Sir Kenwood was involved in, which is a shame. At least he went out true to form, as his segment involves copious shots of Rachel Veltri’s tits. In service of the plot, of course. The Girl with Golden Breasts finds her aspiring actress attempting to get ahead in the biz through breast enlargement, only to discover her augmented mammaries have assumed a carnivorous bent. I guess this might have worked with a suitably absurdist quality but, aside from Ken’s cameo as Dr Lucy, it’s desperately weak.

Cunningham, veteran of Friday the 13^th and Deep Star Six, appears to be trying something vaguely arty in Jibaku, a blend of animation and necrophilia in which Lara Harris falls for a Japanese corpse. It’s mostly rather dull, as is Hellmans’s Stanley’s Girlfriend, in which John Saxon recounts a ménage a trois. The final segment, My Twin, The Worm has Michele-Barbara Pelletier recall a comatose tale of her symbiotic link to a tapeworm.

Most of the segments feature breasts and gore, none of them are remotely scary, and none of them have really clever twists (or even vaguely clever ones); that’s reserved for Joe Dante’s wraparound (although, again, it’s not that clever), in which Henry Gibson’s tour guide at Ultra Studios assembles the various storytellers at an on-the-lot house where they find must tell a true tale to get out again. Gibson’s great, of course, and Dick Miller naturally cameos. As such, Dante’s involvement is the most involving part of Trapped Ashes, but it’s still not really all that.

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I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but, we are good at multiplying.

Zootropolis (2016) (SPOILERS) The key to Zootropolis’ creative success isn’t so much the conceit of its much-vaunted allegory regarding prejudice and equality, or – conversely – the fun to be had riffing on animal stereotypes (simultaneously clever and obvious), or even the appealing central duo voiced by Ginnifier Goodwin (as first rabbit cop Judy Hopps) and Jason Bateman (fox hustler Nick Wilde). Rather, it’s coming armed with that rarity for an animation; a well-sustained plot that doesn’t devolve into overblown set pieces or rest on the easy laurels of musical numbers and montages.

You know, I think you may have the delusion you’re still a police officer.

Heaven’s Prisoners (1996) (SPOILERS) At the time, it seemed Alec Baldwin was struggling desperately to find suitable star vehicles, and the public were having none of it. Such that, come 1997, he was playing second fiddle to Anthony Hopkins and Bruce Willis, and in no time at all had segued to the beefy supporting player we now know so well from numerous indistinguishable roles. That, and inane SNL appearances. But there was a window, post- being replaced by Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan, when he still had sufficient cachet to secure a series of bids for bona fide leading man status. Heaven’s Prisoners is the final such and probably the most interesting, even if it’s somewhat hobbled by having too much, rather than too little, story.

Oh, I love funny exiting lines.

Alfred Hitchcock Ranked: 26-1 The master's top tier ranked from worst to best. You can find 52-27 here .

Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody loves a tax inspector. They’re beyond the pale!

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Well, it must be terribly secret, because I wasn't even aware I was a member.

The Brotherhood of the Bell (1970) (SPOILERS) No, not Joseph P Farrell’s book about the Nazi secret weapons project, but rather a first-rate TV movie in the secret-society ilk of later flicks The Skulls and The Star Chamber . Only less flashy and more cogent. Glenn Ford’s professor discovers the club he joined 22 years earlier is altogether more hardcore than he could have ever imagined – not some student lark – when they call on the services he pledged. David Karp’s adaptation of his novel, The Brotherhood of the Bell is so smart in its twists and turns of plausible deniability, you’d almost believe he had insider knowledge.

They wanted me back for a reason. I need to find out why.

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Now all we’ve got to do is die.

Without Remorse (2021) (SPOILERS) Without Remorse is an apt description of the unapologetic manner in which Amazon/Paramount have perpetrated this crime upon any audiences foolish enough to think there was any juice left in the Tom Clancy engine. There certainly shouldn’t have been, not after every attempt was made to run it dry in The Sum of All Our Fears and then the stupidly titled Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit . A solo movie of sometime Ryan chum John Clark’s exploits has been mooted awhile now, and two more inimitable incarnations were previously encountered in the forms of Willem Dafoe and Liev Schreiber. Like Chris Pine in Shadow Recruit , however, diminishing returns find Michael B Jordan receiving the short straw and lead one to the conclusion that, if Jordan is indeed a “star”, he’s having a hell of a job proving it.

A drunken, sodden, pill-popping cat lady.

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I don't think this is the lightning you're looking for.

Meet Joe Black (1998) (SPOILERS) A much-maligned Brad Pitt fest, commonly accused of being interminable, ponderous, self-important and ridiculous. All of those charges may be valid, to a greater or lesser extent, but Meet Joe Black also manages to attain a certain splendour, in spite of its more wayward impulses. While it’s suggestive of a filmmaker – Martin Brest – believing his own hype after the awards success of (the middling) Scent of a Woman , this is a case where all that sumptuous better-half styling and fantasy lifestyle does succeed in achieving a degree of resonance. An undeniably indulgent movie, it’s one I’ve always had a soft spot for.

To our glorious defeat.

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Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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