I'm Jim Cameron, and here's the deal.

Aliens of the Deep

(2005)

The capper (so-far) to a Jimbo Cameron and the Underwater Adventures of the Ego trilogy, Aliens of the Deep reconfirms that, whatever his deficiencies as a dramatist, Cameron’s far better suited to expressing himself in that direction, with the medium’s accompanying bombast and overstatement, than inflicting himself on poor, unfortunate real people – some of them poor, unfortunate professionals just trying to do their jobs, rather than seeking adulation – and repackaging interesting and thought-provoking subject matter into ill-serviced chicken feed.

This one, co-directed with Steven Quale, is easily the best produced of the three (the previous entries being Expedition: Bismarck and Ghosts of the Abyss; there’s also Earthship. TV, a documentary featuring footage from his return visit to Titanic, but since this ought to be covered by Ghosts, I’m not really counting it as a separate directorial effort), but it’s also the most shamelessly tailored to his tastes, blending his twin obsessions of deep sea and off-world exploration to extrapolate how discovery in the depths of the oceans would benefit a similar expedition to (say) the moon Europa.

As per usual, then, there are some splendid visuals, but a resoundingly patronising tone and delivery accompanies them. If you want any serious dive into the subjects broached, you’d be best going elsewhere. It might also be better to watch with the sound off during some passages, particularly whenever Jimbo is centre stage, holding forth and martialling “his troops” as if this is another of his military campaign-style movie productions.

Generally, the “Wow!” factor makes for a particularly witless constant. Cameron tells us, “I love this stuff!”, finding it much more exciting than any Hollywood special effects. To prove it, he wrote a 40-page manual on launching the submersibles, which also marks him out as incredibly anal amid all that self-regard.

He may love this stuff, but he fails to dazzle us with his broad spectrum knowledge. Rather than offering anything informative about its general purpose or mission in life, he comes across “like, the ugliest fish in the world”. But I’m sure that’s detail enough for you. He occasionally drops in a fantastically annoying “technical” phrase (“That’s the most amount of biomass I’ve ever seen in my life”, of an inundation of tiny shrimp, topping it with a typically knuckleheaded pronouncement that their “party’s been going on down there in the dark for the last billion years”).

The more you see of Jimbo in these excursions, the less you want to. There are frequently interesting visuals captured, particularly when it comes to deep sea lava and hydrothermal vents, but Cameron’s idea of enlightening is to follow a photogenic marine biologist around and frame her in the most adoring fashion possible, rather than have her expound on the understanding she has accumulated.

Agree? Disagree? Mildly or vehemently? Let me know in the comments below.

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She was addicted to Tums for a while.

Marriage Story (2019)
(SPOILERS) I don’t tend to fall heavily for Noah Baumbach fare. He’s undoubtedly a distinctive voice – even if his collaborations with Wes Anderson are the least of that director’s efforts – but his devotion to an exclusive, rarefied New York bubble becomes ever more off-putting with each new project. And ever more identifiable as being a lesser chronicler of the city’s privileged quirks than his now disinherited forbear Woody Allen, who at his peak mastered a balancing act between the insightful, hilarious and self-effacing. Marriage Story finds Baumbach going yet again where Woody went before, this time brushing up against the director’s Ingmar Bergman fixation.

You can’t climb a ladder, no. But you can skip like a goat into a bar.

Juno and the Paycock (1930)
(SPOILERS) Hitchcock’s second sound feature. Such was the lustre of this technological advance that a wordy play was picked. By Sean O’Casey, upon whom Hitchcock based the prophet of doom at the end of The Birds. Juno and the Paycock, set in 1922 during the Irish Civil War, begins as a broad comedy of domestic manners, but by the end has descended into full-blown Greek (or Catholic) tragedy. As such, it’s an uneven but still watchable affair, even if Hitch does nothing to disguise its stage origins.

You're not only wrong. You're wrong at the top of your voice.

Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)
I’ve seen comments suggesting that John Sturges’ thriller hasn’t aged well, which I find rather mystifying. Sure, some of the characterisations border on the cardboard, but the director imbues the story with a taut, economical backbone.

He tasks me. He tasks me, and I shall have him.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
(1982)
(SPOILERS) I don’t love Star Trek, but I do love Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. That probably isn’t just me, but a common refrain of many a non-devotee of the series. Although, it used to apply to The Voyage Home (the funny one, with the whales, the Star Trek even the target audience for Three Men and a Baby could enjoy). Unfortunately, its high regard has also become the desperate, self-destructive, song-and-verse, be-all-and-end-all of the overlords of the franchise itself, in whichever iteration, it seems. This is understandable to an extent, as Khan is that rare movie sequel made to transcendent effect on almost every level, and one that stands the test of time every bit as well (better, even) as when it was first unveiled.

Poor Easy Breezy.

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood (2019)
(SPOILERS) My initial reaction to Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood was mild disbelief that Tarantino managed to hoodwink studios into coming begging to make it, so wilfully perverse is it in disregarding any standard expectations of narrative or plotting. Then I remembered that studios, or studios that aren’t Disney, are desperate for product, and more especially, product that might guarantee them a hit. Quentin’s latest appears to be that, but whether it’s a sufficient one to justify the expense of his absurd vanity project remains to be seen.

So long, sky trash!

Star Wars The Saga Ranked
This is an update of my 2018 ranking, with the addition of highly-acclaimed The Rise of Skywalker along with revisits to the two preceding parts of the trilogy. If you want to be generous and call it that, since the term it makes it sound a whole lot more coherent than it plays.

To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness inside yourself.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010)
Easily the best of the Narnia films, which is maybe damning it with faint praise.

Michael Apted does a competent job directing (certainly compared to his Bond film - maybe he talked to his second unit this time), Dante Spinotti's cinematography is stunning and the CGI mostly well-integrated with the action.

Performance-wise, Will Poulter is a stand-out as a tremendously obnoxious little toff, so charismatic you're almost rooting for him. Simon Pegg replaces Eddie Izzard as the voice of Reepicheep and delivers a touching performance.
***

When I barked, I was enormous.

Dean Spanley (2008)
(SPOILERS) There is such a profusion of average, respectable – but immaculately made – British period drama held up for instant adulation, it’s hardly surprising that, when something truly worthy of acclaim comes along, it should be singularly ignored. To be fair, Dean Spanleywas well liked by critics upon its release, but its subsequent impact has proved disappointingly slight. Based on Lord Dunsany’s 1939 novella, My Talks with Dean Spanley, our narrator relates how the titular Dean’s imbibification of a moderate quantity of Imperial Tokay (“too syrupy”, is the conclusion reached by both members of the Fisk family regarding this Hungarian wine) precludes his recollection of a past life as a dog.

Inevitably, reviews pounced on the chance to reference Dean Spanley as a literal shaggy dog story, so I shall get that out of the way now. While the phrase is more than fitting, it serves to underrepresent how affecting the picture is when it has cause to be, as does any re…

It looks like we’ve got another schizoid embolism!

Total Recall (1990)
(SPOILERS) Paul Verhoeven offered his post-mortem on the failures of the remakes of Total Recall (2012) and Robocop (2013) when he suggested “They take these absurd stories and make them too serious”. There may be something in this, but I suspect the kernel of their issues is simply filmmakers without either the smarts or vision, or both, to make something distinctive from the material. No one would have suggested the problem with David Cronenberg’s prospective Total Recall was over-seriousness, yet his version would have been far from a quip-heavy Raiders of the Lost Ark Go to Mars (as he attributes screenwriter Ron Shusset’s take on the material). Indeed, I’d go as far as saying not only the star, but also the director of Total Recall (1990) were miscast, making it something of a miracle it works to the extent it does.

Play to them, then! Fickle, brainless idiots.

Waltzes from Vienna aka Strauss’ Great Waltz (1934)
(SPOILERS) Hitchcock was dismissive of this adaptation of the stage musical of the same name, ironically minus the musical element. Waltzes from Vienna is a rather low-watt picture, with a rote romance/jealousy plotline running through it (Johann Strauss is offering his services to Countess Helga, much to the dismay of intended Resi). The film comes alive only intermittently with bits of comedy, Strauss’ rivalry with dad, and the central composition.

Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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