The Last Witch
Hunter
(2015)
(SPOILERS) Don’t
you shake your gory locks at Vin, pestilent witch-hags, and definitely not when
he’s sporting some proficiently hirsute wig-age himself. Something of a dream
project for Vin (but aren’t they all?), being a big D&D fan (the big, bald,
lovably nerdy schlub), and another of his doomed dreams for a franchise
starter. No Vin, no one wants to see you non-Dom (well, I’d rather like to see
you Riddicking-out again, but any chance of further escapades there seem done
and dusted), I suspect not even xXx-ing.
In this case, though, mostly because The Last
Witch Hunter’s rather boring.
I like a
good B-witch movie as much as the next person content to make light of the
terrible injustices perpetrated through the Middle Ages and beyond by vilifying
the old ways and accusing anyone who took one’s non-fancy of being one, but this
isn’t among their number, alas. I’d much rather encore the daft but fun Nic
Cage Season of the Witch. That at
least was period-centric, and gave Nic a titan of hair tendrils. Here, Vin,
wanting to play husky modern man Vin, can’t even be bothered to stay put.
Before we know it, having defeated the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) and been
cursed with immortality, like an even less expressive Connor McLeod, follicly
flatulent McKaulder is given an extreme makeover, resurfacing with familiar
shiny pate and in the old 21st, slaying dread witches (now a race,
distinct from humans) for the saintly order of The Axe and Cross.
There’s an
assortment of familiar faces lending support, from Michael Caine, well into his
80s but appealingly showing he’s as ready to swoop in for a payday and a payday
only, the art be damned, as he was 30 years ago, playing Kaulder’s right-hand
man (Vin unconvincingly refers to him as “kid”; they have zero rapport), to
Elijah Wood as a slightly creepy priestly replacement (is there any other Wood
role, aside from innocent; creepy tells you enough about the character’s
ultimate destination, anyway), to Rose Leslie of Game of Thrones, the evidence suggesting she should steer clear of
the posh accent (she looks like she’s having a devil of a time chewing on it),
as a good witch.
Occasionally, someone shows up and lends a touch of class,
such as Isaach De Bankole’s blind dealer witch, but portly bad guy Belial
(Olafur Darri Olafsson) isn’t fooling anyone that he’s a match for the Diesel
(although his fake beard is equally fake looking, so there’s that).
Vin’s been
here with doomed genre forays before, of course, such as the well-meaning but
largely banal Babylon A.D. Witch Hunter likewise arrives laden with
clichés. It comes as no surprise that the not-especially-interesting Witch
Queen, the presumed vanquished foe of the first scene, wishes to stage a rematch,
or that she does so in the company of a bucket load of CGI. Meanwhile Vin,
despite 800 years to come to terms with his lot, is still doting over lost
love, and annoyingly obsessed with taking a vision quest of which no good can
come.
The Last Witch Hunter is blessed with a plot so
undemanding, it’s difficult to summon any resolve trying to relate it, so I
won’t even try. I don’t really blame director Breck Eisner (brought into
replace Timur Bekmambetov), since his Crazies
remake (already half a decade old) was really quite respectable. And Dean
Semler ensures the visuals look forgettably proficient enough. No, mostly it’s
the writers who warrant acrimony. I’ll hold off on criticising Cory Goodman,
without anything else to compare against, whose Blacklist script got this
moving, but the rewrite by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, go-to guys for shite
fantasy vehicles (Dracula Untold, Gods of Egypt) is probably the chief
culprit. That and the problem of Vin’s enthusiasm for different genres
outweighing his adaptability. This is closer to Arnie taking on one of these
sorts of roles in his late ‘90s-early ‘00s decline, and rather suggests an
actor who mistakenly thinks he has the star power to get by through playing his
own self-styled type.
Agree? Disagree? Mildly or vehemently? Let me know in the comments below.