I must congratulate you on the use of your umbrella.

The Avengers

3.1: Concerto

Terrance Dicks and Malcolm Hulke deliver a run-of-the-mill spy romp, distinguished mainly by how ludicrous the villain’s final gambit is. However, Concerto is somewhat salvaged by a surprisingly fun turn from Nigel Stock as Zalenko, a Russian opposite number to Steed.

It’s a good thing Stock is having a good time, as his accent is pretty pokey. At first, it appears as if Zalenko will merely be a buffoonish incompetent (which wouldn’t be a surprise given Stock’s form, playing Watson to Peter Cushing’s Holmes, a particularly ineffectual Number Six in The Prisoner, and, of course, Mr Pickwick) as Steed mocks his undercover surveillance skills (“Of course, that cycling trip in Germany. The one that took you past all the American bases”), and more so when it appears that, during a drinking session, Steed is getting him sozzled on his own voddie rather than partaking himself (“No, you don’t have to leave yet. I want to tell you a funny story about a funeral”, Zalenko entreats).

Steed: And where did you learn that particular piece of nastiness?

Zalenko: Saturday afternoons, British television. Last time I was here. You should watch.

But when it comes to ensuring the safety of Stefan Veliko (Sandor Eles), “the finest young concert pianist in the world”, he proves surprisingly effective, such that Steed is given to compliment him on his fighting skills (it’s a combined effort on their part), albeit requiring clarification that his manoeuvre was an attempt to disjoint the heavy’s left arm from its socket (the quote above). The episode concludes with the two of them drinking again, and Zalenko reminiscing about old Russia (‘You’re a naughty boy” suggests Steed; “No, no, I was miserable” he quickly protests).

Unfortunately, this is by far the highlight of an otherwise so-so outing. The unlikely scheme involves a series of attempts by the villains to manipulate Veliko into killing the trade minister during highly important talks, and so lousing-up Anglo-Soviet relations. First a woman is found dead in his apartment, and then he’s lured to the Stud Club; he’s photographed exiting the strip joint with a British secret agent (guess who), which is used as rather unlikely leverage by British Cultural Council traitor Peterson (Bernard Brown). This strategy doesn’t bare much scrutiny, hence we concur when Veliko turns the gun on Peterson with “You didn’t really expect me to do it, did you?”

Cathy does some snooping at the BCC, ending up on the receiving end of a game of Russian Roulette from rotten lackey Burns (Geoffrey Colville). Who gets a face full of telephone when Steed comes to her rescue. Mrs Gale is generally rather side-lined, and Steed takes all the best moments, be it being described by Zalenko as a man about town (“his other activities are rather obscure”) or casually reprimanding a secretary who has given his mail to Peterson (“Now, if there are any more letters for me, perhaps you could keep them for me”).

Agree? Disagree? Mildly or vehemently? Let me know in the comments below.

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I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but, we are good at multiplying.

Zootropolis (2016) (SPOILERS) The key to Zootropolis’ creative success isn’t so much the conceit of its much-vaunted allegory regarding prejudice and equality, or – conversely – the fun to be had riffing on animal stereotypes (simultaneously clever and obvious), or even the appealing central duo voiced by Ginnifier Goodwin (as first rabbit cop Judy Hopps) and Jason Bateman (fox hustler Nick Wilde). Rather, it’s coming armed with that rarity for an animation; a well-sustained plot that doesn’t devolve into overblown set pieces or rest on the easy laurels of musical numbers and montages.

You know, I think you may have the delusion you’re still a police officer.

Heaven’s Prisoners (1996) (SPOILERS) At the time, it seemed Alec Baldwin was struggling desperately to find suitable star vehicles, and the public were having none of it. Such that, come 1997, he was playing second fiddle to Anthony Hopkins and Bruce Willis, and in no time at all had segued to the beefy supporting player we now know so well from numerous indistinguishable roles. That, and inane SNL appearances. But there was a window, post- being replaced by Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan, when he still had sufficient cachet to secure a series of bids for bona fide leading man status. Heaven’s Prisoners is the final such and probably the most interesting, even if it’s somewhat hobbled by having too much, rather than too little, story.

Don’t be ridiculous. Nobody loves a tax inspector. They’re beyond the pale!

Too Many Crooks (1959) (SPOILERS) The sixth of seven collaborations between producer-director Mario Zampi and writer Michael Pertwee, Too Many Crooks scores with a premise later utilised to big box-office effect in Ruthless People (1986). A gang of inept thieves kidnap the wife of absolute cad and bounder Billy Gordon (Terry-Thomas). Unfortunately for them, Gordon, being an absolute cad and bounder, sees it as a golden opportunity, rather enjoying his extra-marital carry ons and keeping all his cash from her, so he refuses to pay up. At which point Lucy Gordon (Brenda De Banzie) takes charge of the criminal crew and turns the tables.

Oh, I love funny exiting lines.

Alfred Hitchcock Ranked: 26-1 The master's top tier ranked from worst to best. You can find 52-27 here .

Well, it must be terribly secret, because I wasn't even aware I was a member.

The Brotherhood of the Bell (1970) (SPOILERS) No, not Joseph P Farrell’s book about the Nazi secret weapons project, but rather a first-rate TV movie in the secret-society ilk of later flicks The Skulls and The Star Chamber . Only less flashy and more cogent. Glenn Ford’s professor discovers the club he joined 22 years earlier is altogether more hardcore than he could have ever imagined – not some student lark – when they call on the services he pledged. David Karp’s adaptation of his novel, The Brotherhood of the Bell is so smart in its twists and turns of plausible deniability, you’d almost believe he had insider knowledge.

A drunken, sodden, pill-popping cat lady.

The Woman in the Window (2021) (SPOILERS) Disney clearly felt The Woman in the Window was so dumpster-bound that they let Netflix snatch it up… where it doesn’t scrub up too badly compared to their standard fare. It seems Tony Gilroy – who must really be making himself unpopular in the filmmaking fraternity, as producers’ favourite fix-it guy - was brought in to write reshoots after Joe Wright’s initial cut went down like a bag of cold, or confused, sick in test screenings. It’s questionable how much he changed, unless Tracy Letts’ adaptation of AJ Finn’s 2018 novel diverged significantly from the source material. Because, as these things go, the final movie sticks fairly closely to the novel’s plot.

Now all we’ve got to do is die.

Without Remorse (2021) (SPOILERS) Without Remorse is an apt description of the unapologetic manner in which Amazon/Paramount have perpetrated this crime upon any audiences foolish enough to think there was any juice left in the Tom Clancy engine. There certainly shouldn’t have been, not after every attempt was made to run it dry in The Sum of All Our Fears and then the stupidly titled Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit . A solo movie of sometime Ryan chum John Clark’s exploits has been mooted awhile now, and two more inimitable incarnations were previously encountered in the forms of Willem Dafoe and Liev Schreiber. Like Chris Pine in Shadow Recruit , however, diminishing returns find Michael B Jordan receiving the short straw and lead one to the conclusion that, if Jordan is indeed a “star”, he’s having a hell of a job proving it.

They wanted me back for a reason. I need to find out why.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021) (SPOILERS) I wasn’t completely down on Joss Whedon’s Justice League (I had to check to remind myself Snyder retained the director credit), which may be partly why I’m not completely high on Zack Snyder’s. This gargantuan four-hour re-envisioning of Snyder’s original vision is aesthetically of a piece, which means its mercifully absent the jarring clash of Whedon’s sensibility with the Snyderverse’s grimdark. But it also means it doubles down on much that makes Snyder such an acquired taste, particularly when he has story input. The positive here is that Zack Snyder’s Justice League has the luxury of telling the undiluted, uncondensed story Snyder wanted to tell. The negative here is also that Zack Snyder’s Justice League has the luxury of telling the undiluted, uncondensed story Snyder wanted to tell (with some extra sprinkles on top). This is not a Watchmen , where the unexpurgated version was for the most part a feast.

Maybe back in the days of the pioneers a man could go his own way, but today you got to play ball.

From Here to Eternity (1953) (SPOILERS) Which is more famous, Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr making out in the surf in From Here to Eternity or Airplane! spoofing the same? It’s an iconic scene – both of them – in a Best Picture Oscar winner – only one of them – stuffed to the rafters with iconic actors. But Academy acclaim is no guarantee of quality. Just ask A Beautiful Mind . From Here to Eternity is both frustrating and fascinating for what it can and cannot do per the restrictive codes of the 1950s, creaky at times but never less than compelling. There are many movies of its era that have aged better, but it still carries a charge for being as forthright as it can be. And then there’s the subtext leaking from its every pore.

To our glorious defeat.

The Mouse that Roared (1959) (SPOILERS) I’d quite forgotten Peter Sellers essayed multiple roles in a movie satirising the nuclear option prior to Dr. Strangelove . Possibly because, while its premise is memorable, The Mouse that Roared isn’t, very. I was never that impressed, much preferring the sequel that landed (or took off) four years later – sans Sellers – and this revisit confirms that take. The movie appears to pride itself on faux- Passport to Pimlico Ealing eccentricity, but forgets to bring the requisite laughs with that, or the indelible characters. It isn’t objectionable, just faintly dull.

Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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