Now, why should I be interested in missing elephants?

The Avengers

3.17: The White Elephant

The temptation is to say John Lucarotti sold us one, here, so I’ll resist. A real bore, unfortunately, with none of the nascent elements (eccentric characters, unlikely scenarios, curious businesses) amounting to anything interesting, as Steed and Mrs Gale investigate the disappearance of the titular pachyderm.

Most indicatively, Steed watching a daffodil grow (he’s practicing yoga, it seems; “It’s a very good method of improving the concentration”) is much more engaging than the plot proper, in which he once again puts Cathy undercover (as resident zoological director) and in danger at Noah’s Ark zoo, from which elephant Snowy has been vanished.

This leads to one of her not-infrequent railings against the dapper gentleman spy, for callously offering her ivory as a reward (“You’re using my experience to cover your indolence”), yet he turns it around and leaves her smiling (also as per usual) by tickling her self-righteousness, returning her repaired (ivory-handled) derringer “Mrs Gale, you forgot your little gun”.

Steed: How are things on animal farm?

Cathy: Tense.

Godfrey Quigley’s eccentric zoo owner Noah Marshall is only really eccentric for smoking a pipe and having a parrot sit (that’s sit) on his shoulder. That, and his lust for Mrs Gale (“a very impressive woman”; there’s a lot of lust for Cathy at this point in the show). She also finds someone hanging dead (Martin Friend again) in the workplace for the second episode running, although not in the stationery cupboard this time.

The boss isn’t in on it on this occasion, however, since he’s having his coffee drugged, but everyone else seems to be, in a plot that takes in the ivory trade, a missing big game hunter (Edwin Richfield’s Professor Lawrence, in Richfield’s third of six appearances), a gunsmiths (Bannerman & Kemp, where Steed announces he’s after a white elephant; asked if he’s going to India or Burma for the rare beast, he replies, “I thought I might try the home counties”) and Jordan & Moss, a cage builders and restraints outfitters.

Steed: In the overseas market, you can let yourself go a bit.

Madge Jordan: Exactly.

The latter is a case of rather restrained (ahem) kinks, as Steed receives sales talk from enthusiastic dealer in bondage wear Rowena Gregory (Immortal Clay). Everywhere Steed goes he drops hints to those concerned that he’s on their case, but I have no notion quite why the gunsmiths and the shackles shop need to be a part of this, other than it makes for less-than-persuasive quirkiness. Indeed, Steed figures out that they’re a bunch of smugglers while balancing a wine glass on his forehead as Cathy does some headstands.

Cathy ends up incarcerated with a panther, but even that can’t really raise the interest levels. None of the performers (save the aforementioned Gregory) offers much, including Judy Parfitt (of Bullseye) as the inside woman and Lawrence’s missus. Scott Forbes makes Conniston a particularly unconvincing big game hunter (Forbes also delivers a fairly major fluff in his first scene, notable even for this fluff-filled period of the show).

Also appearing are Toke Townley as gun polisher Joseph and Bruno Barnabe (Honey for the Prince, You’ll Catch your Death) as his boss Fitch. The White Elephant is one of those where unwieldy exposition (“Why did I allow myself to get involved with you?”) is firm evidence of the absence of a well-formulated plot.

Agree? Disagree? Mildly or vehemently? Let me know in the comments below.

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If you never do anything, you never become anyone.

An Education (2009)
Carey Mulligan deserves all the attention she received for her central performance, and the depiction of the ‘60s is commendably subdued. I worried there was going to be a full-blown music montage sequence at the climax that undid all the good work, but thankfully it was fairly low key.

Alfred Molina and Olivia Williams are especially strong in the supporting roles, and it's fortunate for credibility’s sake that that Orlando Bloom had to drop out and Dominic Cooper replaced him.
***1/2

Do you read Sutter Cane?

In the Mouth of Madness (1994)
(SPOILERS) The concluding chapter of John Carpenter’s unofficial Apocalypse Trilogy (preceded by The Thing and Prince of Darkness) is also, sadly, his last great movie. Indeed, it stands apart in the qualitative wilderness that beset him during the ‘90s (not for want of output). Michael De Luca’s screenplay had been doing the rounds since the ‘80s, even turned down by Carpenter at one point, and it proves ideal fodder for the director, bringing out the best in him. Even cinematographer Gary K Kibbe seems inspired enough to rise to the occasion. It could do without the chugging rawk soundtrack, perhaps, but then, that was increasingly where Carpenter’s interests resided (as opposed to making decent movies).

Can you close off your feelings so you don’t get crippled by the moral ambiguity of your violent actions?

Spider-Man Worst to Best

She writes Twilight fan fiction.

Vampire Academy (2014)
My willingness to give writer Daniel Waters some slack on the grounds of early glories sometimes pays off (Sex and Death 101) and sometimes, as with this messy and indistinct Young Adult adaptation, it doesn’t. If Vampire Academy plods along as a less than innovative smart-mouthed Buffy rip-off that might be because, if you added vampires to Heathers, you would probably get something not so far from the world of Joss Whedon. Unfortunately inspiration is a low ebb throughout, not helped any by tepid direction from Daniel’s sometimes-reliable brother Mark and a couple of hopelessly plankish leads who do their best to dampen down any wit that occasionally attempts to surface.

I can only presume there’s a never-ending pile of Young Adult fiction poised for big screen failure, all of it comprising multi-novel storylines just begging for a moment in the Sun. Every time an adaptation crashes and burns (and the odds are that they will) another one rises, hydra-like, hoping…

Why would I turn into a filing cabinet?

Captain Marvel (2019)
(SPOILERS) All superhero movies are formulaic to a greater or lesser degree. Mostly greater. The key to an actually great one – or just a pretty good one – is making that a virtue, rather than something you’re conscious of limiting the whole exercise. The irony of the last two stand-alone MCU pictures is that, while attempting to bring somewhat down-the-line progressive cachet to the series, they’ve delivered rather pedestrian results. Of course, that didn’t dim Black Panther’s cultural cachet (and what do I know, swathes of people also profess to loving it), and Captain Marvel has hit half a billion in its first few days – it seems that, unless you’re poor unloved Ant-Man, an easy $1bn is the new $700m for the MCU – but neither’s protagonist really made that all-important iconic impact.

I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
When your hero(es) ride off into the sunset at the end of a film, it’s usually a pretty clear indication that a line is being drawn under their adventures. Sure, rumours surfaced during the ‘90s of various prospective screenplays for a fourth outing for the whip-cracking archeologist. But I’m dubious anyone really expected it to happen. There seemed to be a natural finality to Last Crusade that made the announcement of his 2007 return nostalgically welcome but otherwise unwarranted. That it turned out so tepid merely seemed like confirmation of what we already knew; Indy’s time was past.

What, you're going to walk in there like it's the commie Disneyland or something?

Stranger Things 3 (2019)
(SPOILERS) It’s very clear by this point that Stranger Things isn’t going to serve up any surprises. It’s operating according to a strict formula, one requiring the opening of the portal to the Upside Down every season and an attendant demagorgon derivative threat to leak through, only to be stymied at the last moment by our valorous team. It’s an ‘80s sequel cycle through and through, and if you’re happy with it functioning exclusively on that level, complete with a sometimes overpowering (over)dose of nostalgia references, this latest season will likely strike you as just the ticket.

You're always sorry, Charles, and there's always a speech, but nobody cares anymore.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)
(SPOILERS) To credit its Rotten Tomatoes score (22%), you’d think X-Men: Dark Phoenix was a travesty that besmirched the name of all good and decent (read: MCU proper) superhero movies, or even last week’s underwhelming creature feature (Godzilla: King of Monsters has somehow reached 40%, despite being a lesser beast in every respect). Is the movie’s fate a self-fulfilling prophecy, what with delayed release dates and extensively reported reshoots? Were critics castigating a fait accompli turkey without giving it a chance? That would be presupposing they’re all sheep, though, and in fairness, other supposed write-offs havecome back from such a brink in the past (World War Z). Whatever the feelings of the majority, Dark Phoenix is actually a mostly okay (twelfth) instalment in the X-franchise – it’s exactly what you’d expect from an X-Men movie at this point, one without any real mojo left and a variable cast struggling to pull its weight. The third act is a bi…

Everyone who had a talent for it lived happily ever after.

Empire 30: Favourite Films of the Last 30 Years
Empire’s readers’ poll to celebrate its thirtieth birthday – a request for the ultimate thirty films of the last thirty years, one per year from 1989 – required a bit of thought, particularly since they weren’t just limiting it to your annual favourite (“These can be the films that impressed you the most, the ones that stuck with you, that brought you joy, or came to you at just the right time”). Also – since the question was asked on Twitter, although I don’t know how rigorous they’re being; does it apply to general release, or does it include first film festival showings? – they’re talking UK release dates, rather than US, calling for that extra modicum of mulling. To provide more variety, I opted to limit myself to just one film per director; otherwise, my thirty would have been top heavy with, at very least, Coen Brothers movies. So here’s they are, with runners-up and reasoning:

How can you have time when it clearly has you?

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Now In Full Color, with a Happier Ending

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